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Drinking Quotes

In alphabetical Order (please post any other that you can find)

Aaron Howard
Responsible Drinking? Now that’s an Oxymoron.

Albert Einstein
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Alexander Pope
Drink is the feast of reason and the flow of soul.

Alvan L. Barach
An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor.

Ambrose Bierce
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Ann Landers
People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.

Everybody should believe in something — I believe I’ll have another drink.
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.
I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.
He who laughs last, hasn’t passed out yet.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
To some its a six-pack, to me it’s a support group.
Scotch – Because one doesn’t solve the world’s problems over white wine.
History flows forward on rivers of beer.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it.
Friends don’t let friends drink Light Beer.
Drink what you want, drink what you’re able. If you are drinking with me, you’ll be under the table.
Beer is the reason I get up every afternoon.

Austin Powers
As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I’ll be sound as a pound!

Babe Ruth
I’ll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They’re too much fun.

Benjamin Franklin
He that drinks fast, pays slow.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.

Bill Owen
Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!

Brian O’Rourke
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!

Catherine Zandonella
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.

David Daye
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

David Moulton
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.

Dean Martin
If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

Dennis Leary
We drink and we die and continue to drink.

Drew Carey
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Things don’t make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that’s something everyone can do.

Dylan Thomas
An alcoholic is anyone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Edward Abbey
A drink a day, keeps the shrink away.

Edward Burke
One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough.

Elizabeth Taylor
Look, sweetheart, I can drink you under any goddamn table you want, so don’t worry about me. — Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Ellen DeGeneres
I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there’s morning sickness. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to acheive that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools. — For Whom the Bell Tolls
Drinking is a way of ending the day.

Finley Peter Dunne
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.

Fran Lebowitz
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Frank Lloyd Wright
A man is a fool is he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn’t afterward.

Frank Sinatra
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink, because when they wake up, that’s best they feel all day.

Frank Zappa
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Frederick The Great
Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer.

G.K. Chesterton
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or as good as drink.

George Bernard Shaw
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

George Best
I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.

George Burns
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.

George Jean Nathan
*****I drink to make other people interesting.

Gerald R. Ford
The three-martini lunch is the epitome of American efficiency. Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful, and a snootful at the same time?

Gore Vidal
Teaching has ruined more American novelists than drink.

Grace Kelly
My nerves could use a drink. — To Catch a Thief.

H. Allen Smith
Put it back in the horse! — American humorist in the ’30s-’50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar.

Henny Youngman
*****When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
My grandmother is eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henry Aldrich
If all be true that I do think, There are five reasons we should drink: Good wine – a friend – or being dry – Or lest we should be by and by – Or any other reason why.

Henry Lawson
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

Homer Simpson
To alcohol… The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Humphrey Bogart
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. – Casablanca
I never should have switched from Scotch to Martinis. – His last words…
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

Hunter S. Thompson
There is an ancient Celtic axiom that says ‘Good people drink good beer.’ Which is true, then as now. Just look around you in any public barroom and you will quickly see: Bad people drink bad beer. Think about it.

James Thurber
One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.

Jack Kerouac
I’m Catholic and I can’t commit suicide, but I plan to drink myself to death.

Joe E. Lewis
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, “I’m thirsty, not dirty.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks
I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I drink to forget I drink.

Jim Morrison
It’s like gambling somehow. You go out for a night of drinking and you don’t know where your going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It’s like the throw of the dice.

John Mooney
If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror.

Karl Marx
Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine.

Lord Byron
Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter. Sermons and soda water the day after.
Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.

Louis Pasteur
A bottle of wine contains more philosophy that all the books in the world.

Louis Untermeyer
Life, alas, is very drear. Up with the glass, down with the beer!

Mark Twain
Give an Irishman lager for a month and he’s a dead man. An Irishman’s stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Martin Luther
Beer is made by men, wine by God!

Michelle Mastrolacasa
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

Myrna Loy & William Powell
I got rid of all those reporters.” – “What did you tell them?” – “We’re out of scotch.” – “What a gruesome idea. – Another Thin Man

Nothing makes the future look so rosy as to contemplate it through a glass of Chambertin.

Noel Coward
I’m not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

Old Norse Alvisimal
Ale it is called among men, and among gods, beer. — First recorded mention of the word ‘ale’, 950 A.D.

Oscar Wilde
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Moderation is a fatal thing – nothing succeeds like excess.
We are all of us in the gutter. But some of us are looking at the stars.

Pablo Picasso
Drink to me. – His last words.

Phil Harris
I can’t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

He was a wise man who invented beer.

What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for. – Irish
Praise not the day until evening has come; a woman until she is burnt; a sword until it is tried; a maiden until she is married; ice until it has been crossed; beer until it has been drunk. – Viking
But if at church they give some ale And a pleasant fire for our souls to regale We’d sing and we’d pray all the live long day Nor ever once from the church to stray. Beer drinkin’ don’t do half the harm of love makin’. — Old New England
Man’s way to God is with beer in hand – Koffyar Tribe, Nigeria
The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer. – Ancient Egyptian, 2200 B.C.
The best place to drink beer is at home. Or on a river bank, if the fish don’t bother you. – American Folk Saying

Robert Benchley
Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? – The Major and the Minor
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony.

Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Ross Levy
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.

Rudyard Wheatley
I’ve always believed that paradise will have my favorite beer on tap.

Samuel Butler
If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.

Samuel Johnson
Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.
This is one of the disadvantages of wine; it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others.

Sean Connery & Cec Linder
I suppose I’ll be able to get a drink there.” – “I told the stewardess liquor for three.” – “Who are the other two? – “Oh, there are no other two. — Goldfinger

Ship’s Log – The Mayflower
For we could not now take time for further search (to land our ship) our victuals being much spent, especially our Beere.

Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live.

Stephen Wright
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Steve Allen
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.

The Law
The selling of bad beer is a crime against Christian love. – City of Ausburg, 13th Century.
Beer brewers shall sell no beer to the citizens, unless it be three weeks old; to the foreigner they may knowingly sell younger beer. – German Beer Law, 1466.

T.S. Eliot
Gin and drugs, dear lady, gin and drugs. — When asked about inspiration

Thomas Jefferson
Beer, if drank with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit, and promotes health.
I wish to see this beverage become common instead of the whiskey which kills one-third of our citizens and ruins their families.

Thomas Szasz
When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.

Tom Waits
I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

Tori Amos
I know the truth is in between the 1st and 40th drink.

W.C. Fields
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for. – Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together. – The Big Broadcast of 1938
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Washington Irving
They who drink beer will think beer.

William Blake
The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom.

William Butler Yeats
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
A statesman is an easy man, he tells his lies by rote. A journalist invents his lies, and rams them down your throat. So stay at home and drink your beer and let the neighbors vote.

Winston Churchill
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.
The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it.

William Shakespeare
I would give all of my fame for a pot of ale and safety.
The best beer is where priests go to drink. For a quart of Ale is a dish for a King. – A Winter’s Tale

Favorite Toasts from Favorite Hosts

Wherever [Eve] was, there was Eden.
~ Mark Twain’s Diary of Adam and Eve

Pay no attention to what critics say. There has never been set up a statue in honor of a critic.
~ Joyce Gibb

Far better is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, for they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
~ Theadore Roosevelt

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as you can
~ John Wesley, English theologian

Do more than exist, live.
Do more than touch, feel.
Do more than look, observe.
Do more than read, absorb.
Do more than hear, listen.
Do more than think, ponder.
Do more than talk, say something.
May you live as long as you want, but never want as long as you live.
~ Sheila Murray Bethel (Irish toast)

Amore, salud, dinero, y tiempo para gustarle-love, health, money, and time to enjoy it
~ Frank Basile

Marriage is a commitment to life. To the best two people can give to themselves and to each other. Marriage deepens and enriches every detail of living. Fun is more thrilling. Happiness is fuller. Compassion is stronger. Forgiveness is faster. Laughter is richer. Sharing is deeper. Marriage has more potential than any other relationship for bringing out the best in ourselves and living life to its fullest. May your marriage bind you closer than any other relationship on earth.
~ (Toast #133 from Executive Portfolio of Model Speeches, Prentice Hall.)

Here’s to the desert
And the valleys so green;
Here’s to the cowgirls
And the cowboys so lean;
Here’s to the ones we love
Dearest and most;
And God bless Texas-
That’s a Texan’s toast.
~ Doc Blakely

My friend I wish health to you,
I also wish wealth to you;
I wish the best that life can give to you,
And may dreams always come true to you.
May fortune to kind to you,
And happiness be true to you;
And love be so sweet to you
And life be long and good to you.
And in this toast we give to you
Our love we all give to you.
~ Willie Jolley

May you always work like you don’t need the money;
May you always love like you’ve never been hurt; and
May you always dance like there’s nobody watching.
~ Jack Canfield

Live each day as if it’s your last, and each night as if it was your first.
~ Shep Hyken

Here’s to you and here’s to me,
And if we ever disagree,
The heck with you! Here’s to me!
~ John Patrick Dolan

There are silver ships
There are gold ships,
But there are no ships
Like friendships.
~ W. Mitchell

May the best ye’ve ever seen
Be the worst ye’ll ever see.
May a moose ne’er leave your girnal
Wi’ a tear drap in his ee.
May ye aye keep hale and hearty
Till ye’re auld enough tae dee,
May ye aye be just as happy
As I wish ye aye tae be
~ Scottish ancestry (Moose=mouse; girnal=pantry)

Lang may your lum reek…
W’other folks coal
(Lum=chimney, reek=smoke)
~ Scottish toast

May opinion never float on the waves of ignorance,
May we look forward with pleasure, and backwards
Without remorse,
May we never crack a joke to break a reputation,
May we never suffer for principles we do not hold,
May we live to learn, and learn to live well,
May we live in pleasure and die out of debt,
A head to earn and a heart to spend,
Health of body, peace of mind, a clean shirt and a guinea*.
(*A guinea was one pound, one shilling-a little less than $2.00)
~ Scotland

I drink to the health of another,
And the drink I drink to is he,
In hope that he drinks to another,
And the other he drinks to is me.
~ Scotland

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.
~ Old Irish Blessing

May you live as long as you want to,
And want to as long as you live.
~ Dennis McQuistion

May the hinges of friendship never rust,
May the wings of love never tear loose a feather,
And may this sacred circle of love grow deeper and
Stronger every year,
And not be broken as long as we live.
‘Cause they tell me that a bell is not a bell until we ring it,
A song is not a song until we sing it,
Love was not put in our hearts to stay,
Love is only love when we give it away.
So here’s to those we love,
And here’s to those who love us,
And here’s to those that we love
Who love those who love us.
So lets keep this circle of friends and never forget
That life is our greatest gift,
And living nobly, our finest art.
And what we can do, we ought’a do,
And what we ought’a do, we can do;
And what we can do, and ought’a do, I know we will do.
Good luck, God bless, I love every one of you.
~ Cavett Robert Toast

Dear Lord,
In the battle that goes on through life,
I ask only for a field that is fair,
A chance that is equal to all the strife,
The courage to strive and to dare.
If I should win, let it be by the code,
With my faith and my honor held high;
But if I should lose,
Let me stand by the road,
And cheer as the winners go by.
~ Prayer of a Sportsman

More Famous Drinking Quotes

He was a wise man who invented God.
~ Plato (427-348? BC)

Religions change; beer and wine remain.
~ Hervey Allen (1889-1949)

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.
~ Variously ascribed

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
~ James Thurber

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Life is like an overlong drama through which we sit being nagged by the vague memories of having read the reviews.
~ John Updike

There is more to life than increasing its speed.
~ Mahatma Gandhi

Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
~ John Lennon

Is life worth loving? That depends on the liver.
~ Unknown

Perhaps there is no life after death….there’s just Los Angeles.
~ Rich Anderson

After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
~ Cato the Elder

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.
~ Goethe

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
~ Unknown

So lets knock a couple back and make some noise
~ (Oscar Wilde)?

To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance.
~ Oscar Wilde

~ Oscar Wilde

When turkeys mate they think of swans.
~ Johnny Carson

Young people are more hopeful at a certain age than adults, but I suspect that’s glandular. As for children, I keep as far from them as possible. I don’t like the sight of them. The scale is all wrongs. The heads tend to be too big for the bodies, and the hands and feet are a disaster. They keep falling into things. The nakedness of their bad character! We adults have learned how to disguise our terrible character, but children, well, they are like grotesque drawings of us. They should be neither seen nor heard, and no one must make another one.
~ Gore Vidal

What a man enjoys about a woman’s clothes are his fantasies of how she would look without them.
~ Brendan Francis

The only really indecent people are the chaste.
~ J.K Huysmans

The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased to love.
~ Marquis de Luc de Clapiers Vauvenargues

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
~ Oscar Wilde

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him
~ Helen Rowland

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is doubtless a separation.
~ Lord Chesterfield

Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
~ Unknown

Divorce is the sacrament of adultery.
~ French proverb

Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn.
~ Racetrack proverb

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
~ George Bernard Shaw

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
~ Robert Graves

I know not, sir, whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life.
~ J.M. Barrie

A manuscript, like a foetus, is never improved by showing it to somebody before it is complete.
~ Unknown

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
~ Russell Lynes

Boy meets girl; girl gets boy into pickle; boy gets pickle into girl.
~ Jack Woodford

Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
~ Gene Fowler

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met.
~ Abraham Lincoln

It is a delicious thing to write, to be no longer yourself but to move in an entire universe of your own creating. Today, for instance, as man and woman, both lover and mistress, I rode in a forest on an autumn afternoon under the yellow leaves, and I was also the horses, the leaves, the wind, the words my people uttered, even the red sun that made them almost close their love-drowned eyes. When I brood over these marvelous pleasures I have enjoyed, I would be tempted to offer God a prayer of thanks if I knew he could hear me. Praised may he be for not creating me a cotton merchant, a vaudevillian, for a wit.
~ Gustave Flaubert

There is no thief like a bad book.
~ Italian proverb

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
~ Mark Twain

Studying literature at Harvard is like learning about women at the Mayo Clinic.
~ Roy Blount, Jr.

In every fat book there is a thin book trying to get out.
~ Unknown

I drink no more than a sponge.
~ Rabelais

They talk of my drinking but never my thirst.
~ Scottish proverb

‘Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
~ W.C. Fields

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.
~ Unknown

I drink to make other people more interesting.
~ George Jean Nathan

Inflation has gone up over a dollar a quart.
~ W.C. Fields

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.
~ Jean Kerr

I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
~ Tom Waites

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
~ Hunter S. Thompson

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~ Clarence Darrow

The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.
~ Eugene McCarthy

That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust.
~ Gustave Flaubert

Few people know how to be old.
~ La Rochefoucauld

Happiness Is Seeing Lubbock, Texas, in the Rearview Mirror.
~ Song Title

We all have the strength to endure the misfortunes of others.
~ La Rochefoucauld

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.
~ Groucho Marx

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
~ Bertrand Russell

The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it’s the opposition.
~ Nick Seitz

Virtue is its own revenge.
~ E.Y. Harburg

A man is as young as the woman he feels.
~ Variously ascribed

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
~ Woody Allen

You can’t steal second base and keep one foot on first.
~ An unnamed 60-year-old junior executive

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
~ Unknown

The race may not be to the swift nor the victory to the strong, buts that’s how you bet.
~ Damon Runyan (1844-1946)

The Jewish position on abortion is that a foetus is a foetus until it gets out of medical school.
~ Unknown

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

God sends meat and the devil sends cooks.
~ Thomas Deloney (1543-1600)

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
~ Jim Backus

It takes two to speak the truth-one to speak and another to hear
~ Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
~ John F. Kennedy (1917-1963()

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.
~ John R. Waper

Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.
~ Jean Kerr

To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries.
~ Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

You can’t measure time in days the way you can money in dollars because every day is different.
~ Jorge Luis Borges

We don’t know a millionth of one percent about anything.
~ Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.
~ Sophie Tucker (1884?-1966)

The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.
~ Joe Ancis

The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success.
~ Unknown

Everything has been figured out except how to live.
~ Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

Being perfectly well-dressed gives a feeling of tranquillity that religion is powerless to bestow.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) quoting a friend

We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.
~ H.L Mencken (1880-1956)

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then-we elected them.
~ Lily Tomlin

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
~ Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don’t want to met them.
~ H.L Mencken (1880-1956)

Bed is the poor man’s opera.
~ Italian proverb

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
~ Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
~ G.K. Chesterton (1872-1970)

Avarice is the sphincter of the heart.
~ Matthew Green (c. 1737)

Love teaches even asses to dance.
~ French proverb

There is one fault that I must find
With the twentieth century.
And I’ll put it in a couple of words;
Too adventury.
What I’d like would be some nice dull monotony
If anyone’s gotony.
~ Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.
~ Danny McGoorty (1901-1970)

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
~ Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it.
~ Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.
~ F Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)

Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
~ Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
~ Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)

The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.
~ Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
~ Unknown

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.
~ Unknown.

After all is aid and done, more is said than done.
~ Unknown

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
~ Paul Valery (1871-1945)

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
~ Jules Feiffer

Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
~ James Joyce (1882-1941)

Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.
~ James Thurber (1894-1961)

For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.
~ Quentin Crisp

He who hesitates is a damned fool.
~ Mae West (1892-1980)

Chaste makes waste.
~ Unknown

Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
~ H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
~ Jim Samuels.

Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.
~ Charles McCabe (1915-1983)

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
~ Spanish proverb

If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
~ Bette Davis

The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
~ Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
~ George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
~ Henry Kissinger

Beware of the man who does not drink.
~ Proverb

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
~ Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
~ Unknown.

Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
~ Dom Perignon (1863-1715)

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
~ William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.
~ Unknown

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which se endure the operation of life.
~ George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
~ Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)

I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been overserved.
~ George Gobel

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
~ W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
~ Richard Burton

I always wake up at the crack of ice.
~ Joe E. Lewis (1902-1971)

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.
~ Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
~ Charlotte Whitton (1896-1975)

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
~ Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
~ Joey Adams

I am a deeply superficial person.
~ Andy Warhol

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn’t last long.
~ Shelley Winters

Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
~ From the movie My Favorite Year, 1982

I want to be the white man’s brother, not his brother-in-law.
~ Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth’s surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.
~ Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
~ Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
~ Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.
~ Lily Tomlin

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
~ Unknown

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
~ Unknown.

It’s all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
~ Mick Jagger

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
~ Unknown

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
~ George Bernard Shaw

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
~ American proverb

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.
~ Totie Fields (1931-1978)

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
~ James Beard

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
~ G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry.
~ John Jensen

Life is thirst.
~ Leonard Michaels

In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace-and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.
~ From the move The Third Man, 1949

The newspaper is the natural enemy of the book, as the whore is of the decent woman.
~ The Goncourt Brother, 1858

Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
~ Oliver Herford (1863-1935)

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
~ Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

Writing is turning one’s worst moments into money.
~ J.P Donleavy

When in doubt, have two guys come through the door with guns.
~ Raymond Chandler (1888-1959)

I don’t want to see the uncut version of anything.
~ Jean Kerr

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.
~ Robert Frost (1874-1963)

I’m So Miserable Without You
It’s Almost Like Having You Here
~ Stepeh Bishop song title

She Got The Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft.
~ Jerry Reed song title

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.
~ Jim Samuels.

Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made.
~ Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898)

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
~ Darin Weinberg

Ninety percent of everything is crap.
~ Theodore Sturgeon

Winter is nature’s way of saying, “Up yours.”
~ Robert Byrne

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
~ Abraham Lincoln

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
~ Evan Davis

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
~ Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
~ Dilbert

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
~ Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
~ Ovid (43 B.C.-A.D. 18)

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
~ Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.
~ John Ciardi

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
~ George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Some people are like popular songs that you only sing for a short time.
~ La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

We are what we pretend to be.
~ Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

All professions are conspiracies against the laity.
~ George Bernard Shaw

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.
~ Joel Hildebrand (1881-1983)

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
~ Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

His absence is good company.
~ Scottish saying

The gods too are fond of a joke.
~ Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
~ Susan Ertz

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
~ Natalie Wood (1938-1981)

Of all the wild beasts of land or sea, the wildest is woman.
~ Menander (342?-291? B.C.)

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
~ Timothy Leary.

Housework can kill you if done right.
~ Erma Bombeck

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
~ Sylvia (Nicole Hollander)

Veni, vidi, Visa. (We came, we saw, we went shopping)
~ Hedy Lamarr

There is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

Of all the sexual aberrations, perhaps the most peculiar is chastity.
~ Remy de Gourmont (1858-1915)

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.
~ Rene Yasenek

Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.
~ Mae West (1892-1980)

Marriage is part of a sort of 50’s revival package that’s back in vogue along with neckties and naked ambition.
~ Calvin Trillin

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  1. Chris says:

    I envy people who drink—at least they know what to blame everything on.
    Oscar Levant

    Fortune knocks at every man’s door once in a life, but in a good many cases the man is at a neighboring saloon and does not hear her.
    Mark Twain

  2. Nels says:

    Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

    Ernest Hemingway

  3. Kyle says:

    A friend after being knocked out- “I really didnt want it to escalate past me dumping a beer on his head.”

  4. Ryan says:

    If we hurry up and finish eating we can get back in plenty of time to start drinking way too early..

    Yea i’m sure we could have fun without drinking…but why risk it

  5. Tyler says:

    Everything in moderation….especially moderation.

  6. The SofaKing says:

    If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror.” ~ John Mooney

  7. Tom says:

    When we drink, we get drunk.. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.. When we fall asleep, we commit no sins.. When we commit no sins, we go to heaven.. So lets all get drunk and go to heaven..

  8. Cocktail Recipes says:

    I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since the invention of the funnel.” ~ Malachy McCourt

  9. Cocktail Recipes says:

    Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity. ~ Sammy Davis, Jr.

  10. Cocktail Recipes says:

    “Wine, one sip of this will bathe the drooping spirits in delight beyond the bliss of dreams. Be wise and taste.” ~ John Milton

  11. Cocktail Recipes says:

    Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

    Dave Barry

  12. Mike says:

    You know you’re drunk when you fall off the floor

  13. Alex says:

    “the main purpose of alcohol is to make english your second language”

    Robin Williams

  14. Mike says:

    SIGN AT THE BAR: We do not serve women at the bar. Bring your own.

  15. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

  16. Mike says:

    Um. Excuse me, sir? Could you show me the quickest way to Drunk from here?

  17. Mike says:

    I feel so empty and used. No. Wait. That’s the wine bottle. I feel so disoriented and confused

  18. Mike says:

    My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses…She drinks straight from the bottle

  19. northbeach says:

    thanks. i have been looking for the exact
    huysman quote for a while, and found it here.

    “The only really indecent people are the chaste.”

  20. Mike says:

    Remember, “I” before “E” except in Budweiser. -Courtesy of Funny One Liners

  21. Mike says:

    I have a drinking problem-the bar closes at 2 a.m. -Funnyoneliners

  22. Kevin says:

    Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

  23. Aging like a fine wine means spending a lot of time on your side, lying down ~ Courtesy of Funny One Liners

  24. Q. How often should your dog have shots? A. It depends on how well he holds his liquor.

  25. Dallas Reeder says:

    Cheers to the bottom, the hell with the top. Because if it wasn’t for the bottom, there wouldn’t be a drop.

  26. Captain says:

    Do not confuse “lyme disease” with “lime disease,” an affliction caused by over-consumption of mojitos

  27. Captain says:

    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

    Alex Levine

  28. Boris says:

    “A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it’s better to be thoroughly sure.” – Czech Proverb

  29. Clark says:

    To paraphrase W.C. Fields, “I don’t drink water, because fish screw in it.”

  30. George says:

    People who drink light ‘beer’ don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.

  31. Sally says:

    Not all chemicals are bad. Without H2 & O there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. ~Dave Barry

  32. Jeff says:

    Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk.

  33. Ken says:

    I drink; therefore, I might be drunk. On the other hand, I just might be sophisticated, but I can’t pronounce it.

  34. Dino says:

    I don’t drink too much. The fact of the matter is, Im a man. You see women don’t deal with reality, men do. Therefore, we drink.

  35. steven says:

    Beer is good the song and weed

  36. Captain says:

    A beer delayed is a beer denied!

  37. Chris says:

    The Buffalo Theory of Drinking: A heard of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But it naturally attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.
    -Cliff Claven, Cheers

  38. Mike says:

    I think I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. –Rodney Dangerfield

  39. Jackie says:

    SOBER is actually an acronym that stands for: Son Of a Bitch, Everything’s Real

  40. Boris says:

    “Man does not suffer from too much to drink, but from the hangover.”
    – Russian Proverb

  41. Wolfgang says:

    “All wines have nutritional value, if you don’t buy, we don’t eat.”
    – Sign in a restaurant

  42. DeanFan says:

    “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” -Dean Martin

  43. Jackie says:

    A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

    Makes you damned proud to be an American!!!

  44. weesy says:

    Take me drunk, i’m home..

  45. Bulldawg says:

    I have had tee may martoonies!

  46. Rad31983 says:

    I’m not gonna date a “5” just cuz her personality is a “10!”

  47. Reeseman says:

    The first drink is a boon, the second a gamble, the third poor judgment, and the rate of descent gets steep from there.
    ~ Garrison Keillor

  48. ajn245 says:

    toes are like the fingers of your feet

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