- Don’t call the bartender Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace, unless his actual name, in fact, is Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace.

- The perfect negroni: four parts gin, one part sweet vermouth, and one part Campari shaken with ice and strained. Orange peel.

- Citrus cocktails benefit greatly from rubbing lemon peel around the rim of the glass.

- Jack Daniel’s. Rocks.

- Never utter the words I and love and you if you’ve had more than three drinks.

- If you’re a lightweight, rule above applies after one drink.

- There is no upside to karaoke.

- No Blended drinks; OK for the Ladies.

- Fresh orange juice. Fresh lemon juice. Fresh lime juice.

- Every man should know how to make at least one drink from a foreign country, preferably one taught to him by a local female with whom he has had a complicated, unresolved, and quite possibly dangerous dalliance.

- There is no such thing as a chocolate martini.

- There is a reason for the scarcity of piano bars.

- Visiting the pub will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary.

- The perfect margarita: one part fresh lime juice, one part Cointreau, and one and a half parts tequila over ice.

- On those chrome, hourglass-shaped bar measuring cups, the big side is the jigger. The little side is the pony. Never use the pony.

- If you must: single-malt Scotch in a brandy snifter with a splash of water.

- Avoid bars that use plastic cups, bars whose bathrooms consist solely of a trough-style urinal, bars with chicken wire protecting the band, bars where Patrick Swayze is the bouncer.

- No one but the bouncer cares how tough you are, and he already knows you’re not that tough.

- Even if you have ascertained your bartender’s name, behaving overly familiar with him will be seen as a pathetic gambit for free drinks or, worse, proof that you have nobody to go to for affection other than a random service-industry professional who does not, in fact, know you and just wants your money.

- Once you’ve fallen off a stool, there is little you can say to the bartender that will change his mind about asking you to leave.

- There is no shame in club soda and cranberry juice.

- Don’t eat the worm.

- If you don’t smoke and you’re in a bar, don’t complain about other people who happen to be smoking, because, virtuous friend, you are in a bar.

- Instead of trying to remember whether it’s “beer before liquor” or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other.

- Acceptable drinks for men: beer, wine, whiskey, cocktails that are neither sweet nor made with dairy or fruit other than lime or lemon or orange.

- Acceptable drinks for women: whatever they want, except a certain few.

- A certain few: the grasshopper, the pink lady, and any variety of spritzer.

- Never question a woman’s drink choice.

- If you’re the first in the group to arrive and you start a tab on your card, you deserve exactly what’s coming to you.

- Campari shaken with ice and strained into a martini glass.

- Unless you are lounging on the Promenade Deck, do not drink from a fruit.

- The perfect martini: There is no such thing as the perfect martini. Make it the way it tastes best to you. Provided that you remember that there is no such thing as a chocolate martini.

- A thought for the holidays: Gift wine should not be recognizable as having come from a grocery store.

- Gift wine, being a gift, is not for tonight’s party. Unless the host opens it.

- Decent wine costs 15 dollars. Good wine costs 35 dollars. Nobody can tell the difference.

- Never drink in a place that calls itself an eatery.

- The cosmopolitan is over.

- Rye isn’t as popular as it used to be.

- The perfect highball: one part rye to three parts ginger ale over Ice.

- There is an ever-so-slight upside to a wet-T-Shirt contest, as long as you’re not in it.

- It is not necessary to request premium liquor for a mixed drink in which you cannot taste it, such as a gimlet or sour.

- On the other hand, ascertain exactly how nonpremium the “well” liquor is before you opt against the good stuff.

- Sitting at the bar works only for two people. Three or more requires a table.

- Never order a frozen drink in a place that serves pickled eggs.

- Actually, never order a frozen drink.

- It’s also not a bad idea to eschew the pickled pigs’ feet, although their presence is fairly strong evidence that you’ve accidentally stumbled upon a real tavern.

- For the sake of the children, leave the pistol at home.

- Champagne is a place. Bordeaux is a place. Champale is not a place.

- Grappa is to lighter fluid as ouzo is to lighter fluid.

- Garnish matters.

- Despite a high ratio of female clientele, an insouciant way with fried mozzarella, and their prevalence in resort towns, establishments where a waitress pours shots into your mouth from a bottle she holsters in a bandolier are fraught with peril.

- When throwing a party, break the seals on all liquor bottles, lest guests should hesitate to open them and come to doubt your hospitality.

- Better yet: Hire a bartender.

- The perfect Manhattan: two parts bourbon, one part sweet vermouth, bitters, and a splash of cherry juice. Over rocks or not.

- The perfect Shirley Temple: ginger ale over ice to fill a wineglass, splash grenadine, orange slice, lemon twist, cherry.

- At the holiday office party, consume one drink less than your boss.

- Adopt a new favorite cocktail on a seasonal basis.

- That sangria means “bloodletting” is more a cautionary note than a simple fact.

- Dry martinis, being nothing but gin, aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

- If you still want a martini, know that you cannot actually bruise gin, so go ahead and shake.

- On the other hand, shaking introduces air bubbles that make the martini look cloudy for a time, so stir, already, if you’re so particular.

- Drinks that give you bad breath: beer, anything sweet, anything with milk.

- Drinks that give you good breath: gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus.

- Instead of ordering that shot of After Shock to cap off the evening, one could just walk calmly into the street, lie down, and wait.